Disclaimer: I got hit by another depression episode lately, so my writings might get a bit over the top sentimental and melancholy.
Have you ever painted something you really enjoy, something you're excited about from beginning to end, a painting that turns out not only as good as you hoped for but actually better and when you finished, you have to pat yourself on the shoulder and say: damn I'm good! Those moments are rare and far between. During my over 10 years of drawing and painting, I can probably count those occasions with one hand. These are happy moments for our artists, because most of us are never really satisfied with what we do. More than often, we end up finishing a painting feeling bad, something we did wrong, but don't have the heart to go back and change it, or got depressed when compare to others. So when something like this happens, I try to savor it.
After I finished, I posted this painting everywhere. On my facebook, on DA, hell I even submitted to some DA groups, which I rarely do. I guess I do want other people to appreciate my "masterpiece", even I know on a logical level, it's not so different from my other works. I thought after all these years, I'm above that, I out grow it, I don't need other people's praises to be happy, and most of the time, I don't care. Most of the time, I'm happy with getting the satisfaction out of the process of the painting. I know that's what should matter.
Apparently, I'm not above it (or I won't write a freaking journal entry about the whole damn thing). It still hurts me that my "masterpiece" doesn't received the recognition it deserves. The groups I submit to never replied, I get average amount of likes on comments on my facebook page, nothing out of ordinary. For me, it's a great piece of work, a painting I won't mind looking at it from time to time without feeling bad about myself; for others, it's nothing.
I admit I never put any effort in promoting my works on DA or any other site. Mostly because I'm not a professional artist, and I don't take commission. What's the point of some random people telling me "this is great work!" damn it I know if my works is good or not. Then why is it matter?! It bothers me to no end knowing that at least part of me still cares about how other people think of me, that my mood can still be influenced by how the world perceive me.
I HATE that.
I want to be happy, free of any kind of control. I want to be able to feel good or bad about myself, me, not anyone else, not how other people think of me. I'm not happy that no one appreciate my "Masterpiece", but more than that, probably 100 times more, I'm not happy that I actually care about if anyone cares. I know this is my depression talking, but that doesn't really help, I still feel bad.
I remember when I was a struggling artist, I used to have a little post-it on my wall, saying "Remember why you draw". The answer is "I draw because 'I' want to draw". I guess I have to always remember that, and be content with it.
Sta.sh
